Fucking. Google. Kicks. Ass.

I started my journey creating an online presence to showcase my writing in the hopes of transitioning my hobby into (maybe?) a financial staple. And since then, I’ve done a lot of Googling.

The ability to conduct a Google Search is an unholy power to have at your disposal.

I mean. Listen. Something fucks up, you don’t have to call your dad (or your brother) or uncle-who-ever to learn how to fix it. You don’t have to spend hours looking at magazines to learn how to be an amazing Instagram model (if you do that thing, You Do You!) Really, though? All you have to do is get on your phone and type in some keyword shit and… voila! You’re now qualified – To Do All The Things.

Look what Google Taught me!

I did a lot of Googling as a research chemist as did most of my fellow researchers.  Does that shock or scare anyone? It shouldn’t. Google is the fastest way to bring up scientific articles, methods, and discussions.  Go – try it! Search: “FAME analysis methods” and see how many articles open up for you. Why try to reinvent the wheel when you’re on a deadline? Google is on your phone, your work computer, you get it. Search for shit.

Stop babbling, Jessica. What is your fucking point?

So. I’m trying to do this writing job thing from home. There’s tons of websites out there with job postings (Problogger.com, Freelancewriting.com).  Cool, so check those out, and get excited by ALL THE JOBS YOU COULD EVER WANT TO APPLY TO.

BUT WAIT!

I’ve been doing a lot of clicking on job advertisements and nodding my head along with their requirements. Only, some of the nomenclature (wait- fuck, that’s science) words they use give me pause.

Look- a job! It’s at home, pay per article, for B2B content. Okay, great, sure – whatever! I can do B2B writing! But before I sign up for failure, I googled “B2B writing” and a plethora of how-to’s, definitions, blog-posts, articles descended upon me.

Slow the fuck down Google!

So, okay, this means… per my search… B2B is asking you to write for businesses, so other businesses want to (advertise with them? collaborate with them? want to be marketed on their websites?). Right? Better look at Google and five more definitions to convince myself I can explain how I can B2B.

Sure, okay, I’ve fucking done that.  I write for my daughter’s schools newsletter bi-monthly.  That means I take whatever scraps the other PTA moms give me – those one or two line ‘please put this there’ – and reform it so that the content is 1) interesting and 2) easily read.  No busy parent wants to take the time to read paragraphs of blather when a simple image and an ‘AH-HA!’ moment can register what’s trying to be shared.

That’s… B2B? Right? … Please … ?

Okay… B2B. I see you.

How about contributing content to Reddit?  No, okay… forget I fucking said that. I mean, sure, it’s not Facebook. Or Twitter rants. But let’s be honest with ourselves here. You can’t put on a resume to a potential employer “I can Reddit well. I got Reddit gold once for saying ‘Fart!'”.

What other hiccups will I find on my employment-freelance-journey?

There’s a lot of Copywriter (freelance, work-from-home) job postings on multiple sites that ask you to be able to “SEO” (I keep thinking of Sanrio and Hello Kitty when I read this, because my brain is stupid mush).

Focus! Down the Google rabbit-hole we go. Turns out, there’s tons of content on SEO out there – ‘How-To’s!’ and ‘Improve It’. It didn’t take long for me to realize the people who are pushing these how-to’s and improve-it’s and articles ABOUT SEO are really fucking good at SEO optimization.  I once ran a website for a local day spa and learned all about Google AdWords, AdSense, paying for placement on Google searches.

Search Engine Optimization is a different beast. You’re using key words, strategy, tag-lines, bylines, catchy titles. Cross-posting to different platforms (SOCIAL MEDIA! Gasp! Don’t Say it!) to leverage your website or content to be able to pop up on the Google searches we all have grown fond of. I think…? Fuck it, let’s Google. Good thing I donate to Wikipedia yearly. It’s saved my ass since college.

Does it make more sense now? I don’t know. I think so? I hope so? At least I have keyword phrases and ways to ‘mmhmm!’ my understanding if I do apply for one of these jobs now. (Right? Fake it ’til you make it?) Fuck it.

So, here we are. At the end of this blog post rant about Google love, science hang-ups, and learning terms to become a freelance writer. I doubt I taught you anything (I’m doubting I fucking understand anything). But this wasn’t a post of How To and Do This or 5 Amazing Lists To Improve Your Writing.

This was a post to remind you. Google. Always. Saves. Your. Ass.

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Jessica Means View All →

My professional background in biotechnology as a research chemist and as a veterinary technician has allowed me to have experienced two vastly different fields and for that I am thankful. In both careers, I have mentored, encouraged, and developed talent.

As a mother of two (a daughter and a son), I'm a self-proclaimed backyard chicken guru and someone who has “foster failed” nearly all the animals currently running the household. Oh, and I maintain a husband in my spare time.

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